Despite what you might have heard, kids don't have snooze buttons. We have a two year old. He's great. The past few weeks have been difficult.
I know that part of being a parent is giving up a lot of things, including time to myself. I'm not a loner, but as an only child I'm an afficionado of alone time. Space and independence. I knew it would be an adjustment, and it has been.
For a while it was making me miserable (and miserable to be around), so I came up with a plan. I would wake up two hours earlier than usual and get some time to myself. I've never been a morning person but it would be worth it.
And it was. Boy, was it. I come from a long line of night owls, and I've tried and failed before, but this time it stuck. I wake up around 6:00 and usually have until 7:30 to write code, read, go for a walk... in the summer I'll make coffee and sit on the porch while the sun comes up.
But then we decided it was time to get rid of his binky. Ever since, sometime between 6:15 and 6:30 he gets up and I put down whatever I've started on.
My kid is fantastically sweet. Two has not been terrible. I know how lucky we are.
None of this is helpful when I sit down with my coffee and hear a tiny voice from the baby monitor as I'm opening up my laptop.
Weeks of unrealized ambition have really been taking their toll. I need to experiment with other ways of making this work. I think what I really need to do is let go of desire.
Spending time with my kid is not what's making me unhappy. What's making me unhappy is the difference between my expectation and my reality. I imagine a quiet morning with my book, my computer, my coffee (notice my visions always include coffee)... and then spending time with my kid. Having more time in the morning was him was part of why I started getting up early. I just want my own time before that, and I'm not getting it.
Well, here's the deal: I can't change what I get, but I can try changing what I want.
I can stop expecting to get things done in the morning. Instead of solo quiet time, I can expect duets of Bohemian Rhapsody and Mach 5 (his current favorites). Rather than picturing my feet up with the laptop open I can expect dancing around the kitchen with him, trying not to spill my coffee (the coffee is non-negotiable).
I know what I don't want, and that's to take this time with him for granted. I could not love this little guy more than I do. When I'm frustrated about not doing the things I want right now, I have to remember it's temporary. I'll have time to myself for the rest of my life, but this kid isn't going to be a toddler forever.
